The best way to find out if someone is experiencing domestic or family violence is to ask them. Many women find it difficult to disclose that there is violence and abuse occurring, due to feelings of fear, shame and embarrassment. If you ask directly then you will be giving a clear message that you are comfortable with hearing the answer. However, it is important to always be conscious of the woman’s safety in doing this (eg. where is her abuser? are you able to speak to the woman without him hearing?), and to assure her of your confidentiality in the situation. It might be useful to consider some of the warning signs (see below) although each woman’s experience of violence is unique and what she needs from you will also be different from one situation to the next.

Warning signs:
A woman who has experienced domestic or family violence may display one or more of the following characteristics:

She may have frequent physical injuries - bruises, broken bones, wrist or ankle sprains, cuts
She may have inconsistent or implausible explanations for her injuries
She may appear quiet, afraid to speak, anxious, depressed, withdrawn, continually devalue herself. She may have no self-confidence
She may appear to be under the control of her partner/relative
She may be socially isolated, reluctant/unable to participate in community activities/events, unable to go to work or to study and she may always be seeking her partner’s/relative's permission before committing to activities
She may appear fearful
She may usually wear very concealing clothing in order to hide bruising and injuries
She may be unable to talk on the phone for any length of time and makes excuses to finish the conversation quickly
She may stop seeing family and friends and makes excuses for not attending family gatherings
She may often be without money
She may looks stressed and worn out
She may become defensive if people express concern about her well-being
Her partner/relative ridicules her or puts her down in front of others

A child who has experienced domestic or family violence at home may:

Appear tired and stressed
Be distracted and unable to concentrate at school
Be withdrawn and isolated, emotionally detached and unavailable
Be hyper-vigilant and watchful
Experience physical symptoms such as stomach ache, headache
Be restless, emotionally distraught and have difficulty in managing stress or tension
Be abusive and aggressive

(From “Reaching Out - A Domestic Violence Information Session for Family and Friends”, Queensland Domestic Violence Services Network, 2002)

Often women who are experiencing abuse feel extremely isolated and fearful that no-one will believe their story. Therefore it is particularly important that your responsive is both supportive as well as appropriate.

Some of the following things that are important as a worker to do include:
become knowledgable about DV/FV and the impact of living with violence and abuse
be brave – be prepared to ask her if she is experiencing abuse or violence in her relationship and let her know that you are prepared to listen and support her in any way you can – often women find it difficult to disclose the abuse
become aware of what different specialist support services are available, and how you can link in with these
become aware of the major options that women in DV/FV situations will need to know about – accommodation (private rental, public housing, emergency housing, refuges etc), legal information about Protection Orders as well as Family Law, Centrelink benefits, counselling etc.
know when it is appropriate to refer women on to specialist services – be honest about the limits on your time and energy

DO: believe the woman’s story – women living with DV often think that no-one will believe their story or will think that they deserve or have provoked the violence in some way – be aware of this dynamic and work towards not recreating it
DO: assess her and her children’s level of safety and discuss your concerns with her
DO: tell her she doesn’t deserve to be living with violence and abuse
DO: reassure her that your support is both confidential and unconditional
DO: ask her what support she needs from you and what she would like to happen – she is the expert on her situation, not you
DO: give her information about her options and supports that are available
DO: be patient and available, even if she returns to the violent situation – understanding the dynamics of DV and how hard it is to leave will help you to be a more empathic worker
DO: understand that every situation is different and while there are similarities between people’s situations, each may require a unique response. Ask the woman to tell you what she needs from you, in terms of both support and her individual safety needs

DON’T: tell her what to do eg. Whether you think she should leave or stay – remember she is the expert on her situation, not you
DON’T: judge why she may be choosing to stay in the situation – her fear for her safety is probably real and so needs to be respected. It also may take a long time to feel strong enough to leave – so work on being a support through this process if this is what she wants to do
DON’T: say negative things about her partner/relative – while it’s okay to name that his abusive behaviour isn’t acceptable, relationships are complicated things and she may well still love her partner/relative and aspects of him that are positive
DON’T: make promises about her safety – ask her to tell you what she thinks will help her to be safer and discuss honestly your knowledge of what you can assist her with (eg Protection Orders, women’s refuges, relocating etc) and the possible limitations of these things in keeping her safe. She will be the best judge of what will be helpful in her situation. Remember, every woman’s situation is different and requires a unique response

If you are a worker in Queensland, Australia, then there is a phone number you can call that has been set up specifically to assist workers when dealing with domestic or family violence. This number is the worker’s line of DV Connect (the 24 hour crisis DV service). The number is 1300 308 884 and the operating hours are Monday to Friday 9am – 5pm.

Alternatively, you could contact your local domestic and family violence Service for support. Most services are more than happy to assist other workers with specific DV/FV information as well as support and debriefing. Click here for services to contact – where to go for help.

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