Domestic Violence is a term that is used to describe violence and abuse committed by one partner against the other. Domestic violence occurs in both heterosexual as well as same-sex relationships. In heterosexual relationships, domestic violence is usually perpetrated by the male partner against the female partner, however, a small percentage of men are also victims. Domestic violence includes one or more of the following types of behaviour:

Physical Abuse includes many forms including punching; pushing or shoving; pulling hair; slapping; kicking; twisting arms; being thrown against walls or furniture; choking; and being hit with objects or injured with weapons.

Sexual Abuse includes any forced and/or unwanted sexual contact.

Verbal Abuse includes constant put-downs and criticism; comments about incompetence as a person, wife or mother; and threats of physical abuse.

Psychological / Emotional Abuse includes behaviour and comments which destroy your self-confidence and make you believe you are insane, useless or stupid. It is a type of “brainwashing” that makes you believe that everything that goes “wrong” is your fault.

Social Abuse includes having to account constantly for everything you do; being stopped from mixing with family or friends; being put down in front of other people; being stopped from using the family car; and being denied the right to go to work and earn your own money.

Financial Abuse includes not having a say in how the family income is spent; being refused money for family needs; being expected to live on impossibly small amounts of money; and being denied the right to keep money you have earned.

Spiritual Abuse undermines your self-identity by behaviours such as criticising your spiritual beliefs; the quoting of religious texts to justify abusive behaviour; and abusing in ways that involve symbols of religion or spirituality.

Damage to Property occurs when the house, household furniture, or anything else that you own or use is damaged or broken. This includes breaking a plate, kicking a hole in the wall, or damaging the car.

The aim of all forms of domestic violence is to gain or maintain power and control over the other person.

(Adapted from “Separation: A Legal Resource for Women” 4th ed, Sept 2000, Women’s Legal Service Inc)

Am I in an abusive relationship?
Often women will minimise the abuse in their relationship and feel like “it’s really not that bad”. It’s important to remember that violence and abuse is never acceptable, no matter what your partner says to you. Sometimes it can be difficult to be clear in your own mind about what is happening in your relationship. It can sometimes be helpful to talk through the issues with a trusted friend, a counsellor, or someone who is able to be supportive and objective about the situation. Remember to find someone who will respect your need for confidentiality and safety.

Warning Signs Quiz: Take this quiz to help you work out if you are in an abusive relationship

Do you feel nervous around him or her?
Do you have to be careful to control your behaviour to avoid his or her anger?
Do you feel pressured by him or her when it comes to sex?
Are you scared of disagreeing with him or her?
Does he or she criticise you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
Is he or she always checking up or questioning you about what you do without him or her?
Does he or she repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing other people?
Does he or she tell you that if you changed he or she wouldn’t abuse you?
Does his or her jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
Does he or she make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
Has he or she ever scared you with violence or threatening behaviour?
Do you often do things to please him or her, rather than to please yourself?
Does he or she prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
Do you feel that, with him or her, nothing you do is ever good enough?
Does he or she say that he or she will kill or hurt himself or herself if you break up with him or her?
Does he or she make excuses for his or her abusive behaviour by saying its because of alcohol or drugs or because he or she can’t control his or her temper, or that he or she was ‘just joking’?

(This quiz has been adapted from ‘When Love Hurts: A Guide for Girls on Love, Respect and Abuse in Relationships, The Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC), Melbourne, Australia © 1998)

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve this abuse and it is not your fault. You might decide that you would like to talk to a counsellor about what is happening in your relationship. A counsellor will not make you end your relationship but will rather help you to decide what is best for you and support you in your decisions. Click here to find out more about where to go for help.

If you think that you may do some of the things listed in the above quiz in your relationship, you are hurting your partner and what you are doing is not OK. It is important that you take responsibility for this behaviour. There are services that can help you to take responsibility for your actions and to stop your behaviour. Click here to find out more about where to go for help.

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Family violence consists of similar behaviours as domestic violence, except it involves abuse from one family member to another e.g. grandparents, grandchildren, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. The groups considered to be ‘family’ in family violence can be quite broad depending on your cultural background e.g. extended kinship networks in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities and some communities of Non-English Speaking Background.

The effects of domestic violence are many and varied. The more obvious physical effects can range from bruises and black eyes to broken bones and serious physical injuries, even death. The emotional effects are not as obvious as the physical signs, but many women say that “while the bruises heal over time, the emotional scars never really leave you”. The emotional effects of being abused may include: low self-esteem and self-confidence, feeling that you in some way deserve or are to blame for the violence and abuse, feeling guilt, feelings of self-doubt around your ability as a parent and a partner, feeling that no-one else will ever want you, feelings of hopelessness and despair, feelings of depression and anxiety, feeling suicidal, feeling totally isolated from friends and family and any other support networks, wondering if anyone will believe your story, feeling low in energy and unable to make a decision. Some other effects can include the onset of stress related illnesses, exhaustion, eating issues, and using alcohol or drugs to cope. It’s not surprising given these effects how difficult most survivors of violence find it to actually leave! If you are a woman reading this who feels all or any of these things, remember that counsellors and support workers can help you to work through these issues and start to feel better and more in control of your life again.

Whose responsibility is the violence/abuse?
It is common for abusers to blame the abuse on the victim, or on other outside sources e.g. ‘if only you did this, I would not have to abuse you,’, ‘if you didn’t make me so angry, I would not have had to hit you or yell at you’, ‘I’m just stressed out at the moment’, or ‘its just because I was drunk’. Placing the blame on the victim or on outside sources takes the focus away from the real person who is responsible - the abusive person. We can all only take responsibility for our own behaviour, we are not responsible for the behaviours of others. People who commit violence in relationships choose to do so. There is always a choice, and the only person responsible for the abuse is the abusive person. There is never an excuse for violent or abusive behaviour.

What about my kids?
Many mothers who have children who have witnessed domestic violence may feel guilty about the effects of domestic violence on children and start to blame themselves for exposing their children to the violence and abuse. There is only one person responsible for the domestic violence and that is the person who is the abuser. If you are a victim of domestic violence you are not to blame and you are not responsible for the effect the abuse has had on your children.

However, it may be useful for you to consider the negative impact that witnessing domestic violence does have on children and whether you should leave or stay in the abusive relationship. For more information on the effects on children, click here. Often women can feel confused about what the best thing is for their children, and can feel torn between not wanting to break up the family unit on one hand, while holding legitimate concerns for the emotional well-being of their children on the other. It can sometimes be helpful to talk through these issues with someone supportive. Click here to find out more about where to go for help.

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Should I leave or should I stay?
Deciding whether you should stay with or leave an abusive partner is a difficult decision. Many women feel isolated and trapped in their situation, and wonder whether they have any real choices. This is a common feeling. While every woman’s situation is unique, there are some common elements to most abusive relationships that can make it extremely difficult to leave. One of the most common things that women describe are high levels of fear – fear of physical danger to themselves and their children; fear of threats being carried out; fear of losing residence (custody) of the children; and fear of involvement with the police and the legal system. Other concerns women have include feeling worried about money and whether they will be able to afford to support themselves and their children; whether they will be okay on their own; and whether they will have any support from anyone due to how isolated they may have become. Often women feel guilty about breaking up the relationship and the family unit and wonder if this is the right thing to do for the children – this can be a huge constraint particularly for women of particular religious or cultural backgrounds. One of the other common barriers to women leaving is a hope that their partner can change and that they should give them another chance. This is often tied in with feelings of guilt over leaving their relationship and concern for their partner’s ability to cope on their own.

These reasons are all very real to the women involved and need to be considered in making the decision to leave or stay. Often these can feel like huge barriers to leaving but it’s important to remember that everyone feels this way – however, you can get past these things! Often just talking through your fears and concerns can put them into perspective and open the doors to new possibilities. If you are unsure about what is right for you and your children it may be helpful to talk to someone like a domestic violence support worker or counsellor who can tell you about all of the options available to you and help you to make the decision that is right for yourself and your children. For services in your area click here.

Some positives of making a change in your life:
It’s easy to read the previous paragraph and feel like it’s just too hard to do anything – that there are too many barriers in the way. It’s important to remember though that many women have been in a similar situation, have worried about the same things as you, and that they have survived and come out the other side. Sometimes the road to where you want to be can feel like an endless journey and you might wonder if you’re strong enough to change your life. Finding someone supportive to talk with about how you’re feeling can be a positive step in the right direction. This might be a supportive friend or family member, or a support worker/counsellor.

Whatever direction you go in, it’s important to remember that you are not alone. Many other women have experienced domestic or family violence and have survived. To read stories from women who are survivors of domestic violence click here.

Looking after yourself:
Whatever stage you are at in the process of changing your life – maybe you’ve just left an abusive relationship, maybe you’re thinking of leaving, or maybe you have decided to stay - one of the best things you can do for yourself is to practice some self-care. It’s common for women to put most of their nurturing energy into other people – their partners, their children, their families and friends. Being abused can be extremely damaging to your self-esteem as well as being highly stressful, and it’s important to think about some of the ways that you can nurture and look after yourself. Make yourself a list of things you could do for yourself that make you feel good about you! For example – taking a walk every morning to clear your head, eating well, listening to your favourite music, reading a good book, going on a picnic with your kids, writing your feelings down in a journal, planting a flower garden and looking after it, talking to a good friend on the phone etc. You could also write a list of your goals and dreams.

It’s important to remember that healing is a journey – a process that you work on – rather than something that happens overnight. It’s okay to feel bad sometimes and you should give yourself permission to grieve and move on. Many women find it useful to talk their feelings with someone else. Most of all, be kind to yourself and look after you!

Making a safety plan:
Many women find it useful to make a safety plan. The plan below is particularly useful for women who are considering leaving their abusive relationship. However, if you have already left, you may still find elements of this safety plan useful. You can always adapt it to your own safety needs.
Decide who you will call if you feel threatened or are in danger, and keep their telephone numbers in a safe and handy place. Make a list of emergency phone numbers – for example, 000 (emergency); 1800 811 811 (24 hour DV line).
Decide where you will go if you need a safe place – a refuge, a friend’s house.
Decide what arrangements you will make to ensure the safety of your children.
Hide a change of clothing for you and your children.
Pack all the medications you will need.
Know where all of your (and your children’s) important papers and records are so that you can find them in a hurry – driver’s licence, birth certificates, passports, deeds, bank account details and ATM cards, concession cards etc.
Consider keeping some clothing, medications, originals or copies of important papers, spare keys and cash at a friend/relative’s house.
Know where you can find your irreplaceable personal items (eg. photographs, jewellery) in a hurry.
Save some money for a taxi fare for emergency transport to a safe place.
Keep an extra key to your house and car.
Practice travelling to the location you have chosen as a safe place.
Remember – telephone safety:

- 1800 numbers do not show on your telephone bill but STD numbers do. You can call Women’s Infolink on 1800 177 577 who can transfer you to other numbers.
- the redial number can be pressed to dial the last outgoing call – important to remember if your abuser is checking on who you are calling
- some telephone handsets display the number of the person who has called on a screen
- some telephone systems can tell you the telephone number of the most recent unanswered caller. If there are people or agencies that you do not want your abuser to know are contacting you, inform them about this and suggest that they have their telephone number blocked.

(Adapted from “Separation: A Legal Resource for Women” 4th ed, Sept 2000, Women’s Legal Service Inc)

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Reaching out for help and support:
Reaching out for help can be a daunting prospect. One of the impacts of living with abuse is that you may end up feeling isolated and with very little support around you. You may also doubt yourself and your ability to survive on your own. You may feel fearful that your abuser will find out you have told someone what is happening and you may feel scared for your safety. Remember that you are not alone. It is important to reach out for support and find trustworthy people who will believe you and listen supportively to what you are going through. If you have close friends and family around you who are understanding, this might be enough support for you. However, it might be worthwhile considering seeing someone for counselling, or attending a women’s support group. The benefits of this can be that it can be helpful to seek support from someone who is able to be objective about the situation and give you the support you need without telling you what you should do. A good counsellor is one who will prioritise you and your children’s safety, has a good understanding of the dynamics of power and control in an abusive relationship, and who understands the impacts of violence and abuse. A good counsellor will also provide a safe and supportive space to listen to you and believe your story, affirm your strengths and coping abilities, help you to access the information you need about resources in the community, help you to explore options, and supports you to feel more empowered and in control of your life again.

There are a number of specialist domestic and family violence counselling services who work with women, children and young people. These services provide free and confidential counselling and support, and can also give you information about your options. To find the one closest to you, click here for where to go for help. If there isn’t a DV Service near to where you live, contact the closest service to you – they will still be able to offer you information and support over the phone and they will be able to assist you to find some local support.

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