Being a friend or a family member of someone experiencing domestic or family violence can be very stressful. You may feel worried for her safety, annoyed or frustrated that she won’t leave, angry towards the abuser, and so on. It is common for friends/family members of victims of domestic or family violence to feel a range of conflicting emotions. Most friends and family members are anxious to be supportive, but are often uncertain about how to respond in the most appropriate ways. A common reaction is to encourage the victim to leave her violent partner. Whilst this is well intentioned, it can lead to women feeling that they cannot turn to their friend/family member for support for fear of being put under pressure to leave. Often it is baffling to an outsider to comprehend why a victim of domestic violence stays with, or returns to, the abuser. In fact, there are many reasons. Some of these reasons may include:

Economic dependence on the perpetrator
Fear of greater physical danger to themselves or their children if they try to leave, or don’t return
Fear of emotional damage to children
Fear of losing custody of the children
Lack of affordable alternative housing
Lack of job skills
Social abuse from partner leading to a lack of support from family/friends and a lack of information regarding alternatives
Fear of involvement in court processes
Cultural and religious constraints or social pressures to keep the family together
Emotional abuse from partner leading to low self esteem and therefore no trust in her ability to survive on her own
Fear of loneliness
Guilt about the failure of a marriage or relationship
Fear that her partner is unable to survive alone or may commit suicide
Belief or hope that her partner will change
Fear/Ambivalence over making major life changes

All of these reasons are valid. However, this does not mean that we should give up on those experiencing domestic or family violence as many do end up leaving and starting new lives- they just need to do it in their own time and in their own way.

Some of the best ways to offer your support are highlighted in the book “Reaching Out” produced by the Domestic Violence Resource Centre in Brisbane. These include:

Becoming informed about the issue of domestic or family violence
Sharing your information with the woman at a safe and appropriate time
Letting her know that you care for her and will support her unconditionally
Listening to her and believing her
Being prepared for her to possibly reject your support at first
Not giving up on her if she leaves and then returns (possibly several times). As mentioned, there are many reasons why women stay in and return to abusive relationships
Focussing on her strengths and abilities
Letting her know if you believe that she or her children are in serious physical danger or may die
Reminding her that she does not deserve to be abused and that there is support and assistance available
Helping her plan for her safety (i.e. what she can do and where she can go in the event of an emergency)


To access a copy of the “Reaching Out” publication, contact the Brisbane Domestic Violence Advocacy Service on (07) 3217 2544.

Finally, it is important for you as a support person to take care of yourself and remind yourself that you cannot control the violence, you can only offer your support.

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