Domestic and Family Violence: What is Domestic and Family Violence?

Domestic Violence is a term that is used to describe violence and abuse committed by one partner against the other. Domestic violence occurs in both heterosexual as well as same-sex relationships. In heterosexual relationships, domestic violence is usually perpetrated by the male partner against the female partner, however, a small percentage of men are also victims. Domestic violence includes one or more of the following types of behaviour:

Physical Abuse includes many forms including punching; pushing or shoving; pulling hair; slapping; kicking; twisting arms; being thrown against walls or furniture; choking; and being hit with objects or injured with weapons.
Sexual Abuse includes any forced and/or unwanted sexual contact.

Verbal Abuse includes constant put-downs and criticism; comments about incompetence as a person, wife or mother; and threats of physical abuse.

Psychological / Emotional Abuse includes behaviour and comments which destroy your self-confidence and make you believe you are insane, useless or stupid. It is a type of “brainwashing” that makes you believe that everything that goes “wrong” is your fault.

Social Abuse includes having to account constantly for everything you do; being stopped from mixing with family or friends; being put down in front of other people; being stopped from using the family car; and being denied the right to go to work and earn your own money.

Financial Abuse includes not having a say in how the family income is spent; being refused money for family needs; being expected to live on impossibly small amounts of money; and being denied the right to keep money you have earned.

Spiritual Abuse undermines your self-identity by behaviours such as criticising your spiritual beliefs; the quoting of religious texts to justify abusive behaviour; and abusing in ways that involve symbols of religion or spirituality.

Damage to Property occurs when the house, household furniture, or anything else that you own or use is damaged or broken. This includes breaking a plate, kicking a hole in the wall, or damaging the car.

The aim of all forms of domestic violence is to gain or maintain power and control over the other person.

(Adapted from “Separation: A Legal Resource for Women” 4th ed, Sept 2000, Women’s Legal Service Inc)

Family violence consists of similar behaviours as domestic violence, except it involves abuse from one family member to another e.g. grandparents, grandchildren, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. The groups considered to be ‘family’ in family violence can be quite broad depending on your cultural background e.g. extended kinship networks in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities and some communities of Non-English Speaking Background.

23% of women who have ever been in a relationship have experienced violence by a partner (The Women’s Safety Survey, Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) 1996).

Three times every fortnight a homicide occurs in Australia in which intimate partners are involved. In almost 4 out of 5 of these cases, the perpetrator is a male and the victim is a female (Australian Institute of Criminology, July 1998).

In the years 1989 – 1996 there were 2226 homicides committed in Australia. Of these, the highest percentage – 30.7% (685) were committed by an intimate partner of a victim. The vast majority of these occurred during the relationship or around the time of the dissolution of the relationship (Australian Institute of Criminology, November 1997).

38% of women experiencing violence from a current partner and 46% of women who experienced violence from a previous partner said that children in their care had witnessed the violence (The Women’s Safety Survey, Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) 1996).

The effects of domestic and family violence are many and varied. The more obvious physical effects can range from bruises and black eyes to broken bones and serious physical injuries, even death. The emotional effects are not as obvious as the physical signs, but many women say that “while the bruises heal over time, the emotional scars never really leave you”. The emotional effects of being abused may include: low self-esteem and self-confidence, feeling that you in some way deserve or are to blame for the violence and abuse, feeling guilt, feelings of self-doubt around your ability as a parent and a partner, feeling that no-one else will ever want you, feelings of hopelessness and despair, feelings of depression and anxiety, feeling suicidal, feeling totally isolated from friends and family and any other support networks, wondering if anyone will believe your story, feeling low in energy and unable to make a decision. Some other effects can include the onset of stress related illnesses, exhaustion, eating issues, and using alcohol or drugs to cope. It’s not surprising given these effects how difficult most survivors of violence find it to actually leave their relationship! If you are a person reading this who feels all or any of these things, remember that counsellors and support workers can help you to work through these issues and start to feel better and more in control of your life again.

It is common for abusers to blame the abuse on the victim, or on other outside sources e.g. ‘if only you did this, I would not have to abuse you,’, ‘if you didn’t make me so angry, I would not have had to hit you or yell at you’, ‘I’m just stressed out at the moment’, or ‘its just because I was drunk’. Placing the blame on the victim or on outside sources takes the focus away from the real person who is responsible - the abusive person. We can all only take responsibility for our own behaviour, we are not responsible for the behaviours of others. People who commit violence in relationships choose to do so. There is always a choice, and the only person responsible for the abuse is the abusive person. There is never an excuse for violent or abusive behaviour.

MYTH: Abused women could leave their partner if they really wanted to
FACT: Fear of reprisals due to threats of injury and actual violence to themselves and their children if they try to leave prevents many women from leaving violent relationships. Almost half of women who are killed by their spouses are separated or in the process of separating at the time. There are major financial, emotional and social barriers to separation. The best predictors of women staying are economic dependence, poor self-esteem, uncontrollable fear and lack of knowledge of support services. Women who are victims of abusive relationships are often isolated from family, friends and the broader community by the abuser.

MYTH: Abusive men share the following characteristics: lower socio-economic status, alcohol and drug abuse, and mental illness
FACT: Abuse in relationships happens to low, middle and high income earners. Although drugs and alcohol can make an abusive episode worse, they are not the cause of the violence. Alcohol and drugs are used by abusers as an excuse for abusive behaviours.

MYTH: Abusive men cannot control their violence
FACT: Abusive men often believe this is true. It is the myth which enables them to avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour. The large majority of men who abuse their partners control their violence with others (like friends / work colleagues) where there is no perceived right to dominate and control. Violence is often pre-meditated although it may seem to the survivor to happen out of the blue. Many abusive men hit women in places where the bruises will not be publicly visible eg. the stomach. Therefore they are obviously able to make conscious choices about their violence.

MYTH: Women provoke or deserve the violence
FACT: No-one deserves to be beaten, no matter what kind of person they are. Provocation is an excuse that the offender uses to avoid responsibility for his own behaviour. Violence is rarely the culmination of a mutual argument. Attacks can be over trivial matters (eg. the dinner isn’t warm enough, the towels are out of place) or over nothing at all. Women often have no warning of an attack. Many abused women try everything to please their partner to avoid another attack. This is often to no avail, as they are not in control of his violence. Survivors of domestic violence are at risk of abuse from the perpetrators regardless of their actions.

MYTH: Women subjected to violence in relationships enjoy being abused
FACT: This myth developed from the observation that many women remain in violent relationships despite constant abuse. As explored earlier, there are many reasons why women stay with their violent partners. Many women are too afraid to leave violent relationships due to threats of further violence or murder if they leave.

MYTH: As long as children are not abused, they are not affected by domestic violence
FACT: Research has shown that children who have witnessed domestic violence suffer short term and long term negative effects to their lives. Female children from these relationships are at a higher risk of entering a violent relationship themselves. Male children from violent relationships are at a higher risk of becoming an abuser themselves.

Women, children and young people who have experienced violence:
There are a number of specialist domestic and famly violence counselling services who work with women, children and young people who have experienced violence. These services provide free and confidential counselling and support, and can also give you information about your options.

Women using violence in their relationships:
If you are a woman using violence in your relationship, then it is important to seek help. Many women are accused by their partners of being violent, when they are only attempting to defend themselves and their children from physical assault. However, if you think your behaviour is more than self-defence and you are the initiator of the violence then consider seeking professional help. While many people feel ashamed and embarrassed about seeking help, it is important to change your situation and take responsibility for your violence. Admitting that you have a problem with violence is the first step to solving your problem.

Men experiencing violence in their relationship:
If you are a man who is the victim of violence or abuse in your relationship, then it is also important to seek help and support. While it is more common for women to be the victims of domestic violence, some men also experience violence from their partners. This may be either in a heterosexual or a same sex relationship. Many men feel ashamed and embarrassed about seeking help, but it is important to get the support you need.

Men using violence in their relationships:
If you are a man who is using or has used violence and abuse in your relationship, then it is important to seek help. While many men feel ashamed and embarrassed about seeking help, it is important to change your situation and take responsibility for your violence. Admitting that you have a problem with violence is the first step to solving your problem. Only YOU can end the violence. Only YOU can control your own behaviour.

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