What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a word that is used to describe abuse towards one partner by the other. Domestic violence is usually perpetrated by a man against a woman, however, a small percentage of men are also victims. Domestic violence can also exist in non-heterosexual relationships. Domestic violence includes many forms of abuse such as:

Physical Abuse: hitting, slapping, punching, pushing
Verbal Abuse: name calling, put downs
Emotional Abuse: manipulation
Social Abuse: isolation, not allowing the other person to see friends/family
Financial Abuse: controlling all finances
Sexual Abuse: any forced or unwanted sexual behaviour
Damage to Property: breaking or damaging items
Threats: threats to seek revenge, or harm the other person

The aim of all forms of domestic violence is to gain or maintain power and control over the other person.

What is Family Violence?
Family violence consists of similar behaviours as domestic violence, except it involves abuse from one family member to another e.g. grandparents, grandchildren, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. The groups considered to be ‘family’ in family violence can be quite broad depending on your cultural background e.g. extended kinship networks in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities and some communities of Non-English Speaking Background.

How does Domestic or Family Violence affect my Children?
Domestic andfamily violence can have significant short and long-term impacts on women, children and young people. Until recently, many had thought that unless children were directly harmed they were not affected. However, research has shown that children who witness domestic or family violence can be affected in many ways even if they are not directly abused. There is also evidence that children are more likely to suffer physical and sexual abuse if they live in a home where there is domestic or family violence.

Many mothers who have children who have witnessed domestic or family violence may feel guilty about the effects on children and start to blame themselves for exposing their children to the violence and abuse. There is only one person responsible for the domestic violence and that is the person who is the abuser. If you are a victim of domestic or family violence you are not to blame and you are not responsible for the effect the abuse has had on your children.


Should I Leave or Should I Stay?
Deciding whether you should stay with an abusive partner or leave is a difficult enough decision without children being involved. For reasons why women stay or return to violent partners click here.

This decision can be made even more complex and confusing for women who have children and are attempting to decide what is in their children’s best interests. Some of the reasons why women with children find it difficult to leave are:

The belief that children need a mother and a father, even if their father is abusive at times
The belief that even though he hits her he would never hit their children
The fear that he may get custody of the children
They may feel that they are better able to protect their children whilst they are living together than if they were to separate and he was to have unsupervised contact with the children
The belief that it would be unfair to take the children away from their father whom they love
They may believe that they would not be able to provide for the children or discipline them on their own
The fear that the abuse would be even worse if they left
The fear that he will find them and kill them

These reasons are all very real to the women involved and need to be considered in making the decision to leave or stay. If you are unsure about what is right for you and your children it may be helpful to talk to someone like a domestic and family violence support worker or counsellor who can tell you about all of the options available to you and help you to make the decision that is right for yourself and your children. For information about Where to Go For Help click here.

Children deserve to grow up in a house where they can be free to be themselves, not a house where they feel as though they are walking on eggshells. By abusing you, the children’s mother, he is not being a good father. He is failing his responsibility to them as a parent by denying them a safe and happy home. Children who grow up in single parent households can be just as happy and healthy as those who grow up in households where there are two parents.

To read stories from women who are survivors of domestic violence click here.

How Can I Help My Children?
If you are still living with your abusive partner there are some ways that you can help your children:
Let your children know that they are not responsible for the violence or abuse
Let your child know that it is not their role to protect you
Try to keep your children safe. Talk to them about what they should do when there is an argument
Listen to your child and encourage them to talk about their feelings
Let your child know that it is normal to feel angry, sad, scared and upset about what is happening
Find an adult that your child is able to talk to and trust, eg. school counsellor

For information about Where to Go For Help click here.

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For women and children experiencing domestic or family violence, family life is unpredictable, fearful, stressful and at times life threatening. Domestic and family violence is not only about physical abuse but also includes other forms of abuse including: emotional and verbal abuse (name calling, manipulation, put downs), financial abuse, sexual abuse, threats, damage to property as well as harming pets. Women and children living in homes where there is domestic or family violence learn that violence and abuse are the basis for power and control in their family. They learn adaptive behaviours and coping strategies in an attempt to minimise the abuse and to survive.

Often society tends to under-estimate the emotional impact of domestic and family violence on children and it is incorrectly assumed that if they are not directly involved then they are not affected.

For children and young people the effects of experiencing domestic or family violence are determined by many factors such as their age, gender, role in the family, frequency and extent of the abuse, special needs of the child and individual resiliency. Domestic and family violence can have a severe detrimental effect on a child’s personal development, affecting all areas of their life. Research shows that the effects of living with violence can have short and long term impacts on children and young people. A child living in a domestic violence situation is also significantly more likely to experience physical or sexual abuse and suffer the trauma and effects that result from this.

Some of the effects of witnessing domestic or family violence are:

Infants
Poor health and sleeping habits
Excessive screaming
The child not bonding with the mother
Infants can be affected by domestic or family violence from at least six weeks of age.

Toddlers
In addition to the above characteristics:
Frequent illness
Low self-esteem and shyness
Fear
Social Problems such as hitting or biting
Withdrawn, passive, clinging, anxious (most often girls)
Aggressive behaviour (most often boys).

Pre-schoolers
In addition to the above characteristics:
Complaining of feeling sick
Blaming themselves for the violence and feeling guilty
Becoming worried and nervous
Having difficulty making friends
Finding it difficult to trust others

Primary school aged children
In addition to the above characteristics:
Difficulties with school work and school attendance
Difficulty concentrating
Poor social skills and fighting with peers
Rebelling against adult authority
Aggression and poor anger management (most often boys)
Anxiety and withdrawal (most often girls)
Depression
Low self esteem and lack of confidence
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Adolescents
In addition to the above characteristics:
Depression
Aggression
Violent delinquency and crime
Adolescent boys may model the perpetrator’s behaviour by assaulting their mother or siblings.

Parents are often children’s earliest role models. Children can learn that violence is an acceptable behaviour in intimate relationships. Boys in particular can learn that men deal with their anger and frustration through abusing women, and that this is acceptable. Girls can learn that women are the victims of domestic violence, are subject to the power and control of men, and that they are helpless to stop the abuse. As a result, children who experience domestic violence may repeat the pattern in their own relationships. Research has shown that men who as children witnessed domestic violence are twice as likely to abuse their own wives than sons of non-violent parents.

There are protective factors that can assist a child or young person’s recovery from domestic or family violence. These factors include:
Well developed social skills
Secure and stable family
Connections to the non-abusive parent, significant individuals and social systems
A sense of control over their own environment
Access to support services

For information about Where to Go For Help click here.

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Domestic and family violence includes many forms of abuse such as physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, sexual abuse, threats, property damage and harm to pets. In most families where there is domestic violence, it is the woman and children in the house who are being abused and the man who is the abuser, however, men can also be victims of domestic violence.

All children and young people who have witnessed domestic or family violence will be affected in some way and will often show the same signs of trauma as other abused or neglected children, even if they have not been directly abused. They are also significantly more likely to be physically or sexually abused by the perpetrator of the violence than children who have not lived with violence.

Children and young people who have witnessed domestic or family violence may have low self-esteem, feel sad, have difficulty making friends, display behavioural problems, show high levels of anxiety, have difficulties at school, display aggressive behaviour or be quiet and withdrawn.

Children deserve the right to be safe and free from violence. The IWCADV is specifically funded to work with children and young people who have witnessed domestic violence. Counselling and support groups are available at IWCADV for all children and young people between 5 and 17 years who are currently living in a safe environment.

Counselling and support groups can help children and young people understand that they are not alone in experiencing domestic violence and can provide an opportunity for them to talk about their experiences and feelings. Children and young people are able to learn that they are not responsible for the violence and abuse and can be assisted in processing the trauma they have experienced. They can also learn to develop new ways of resolving conflict and expressing their feelings in ways that are respectful to themselves and others.

To find out more about counselling services in your area contact Ipswich Women’s Centre Against Domestic Violence or your local domestic violence service.

Click here for more information about Where to Go For Help.

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What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence is a word used to describe abuse or violence from one partner to another. In the majority of situations the male is the abuser and the female is the victim, however, males can also be victims. Domestic violence occurs in dating relationships, in marriages, in relationships where partners are living together, in situations where two people have separated, in situations where two people have had a child together, and in gay, lesbian and bisexual relationships. Domestic violence isn’t just about hitting someone. Many forms of abuse are included in the definition of domestic violence including:

Physical Abuse: hitting, slapping, punching, pushing
Verbal Abuse: name calling, put downs
Emotional Abuse: manipulation
Social Abuse: isolation, not allowing the other person to see friends/family
Financial Abuse: making all the decisions as to how the money is spent
Sexual Abuse: any forced or unwanted sexual behaviour
Damage to Property: breaking or damaging items
Threats: threats to seek revenge, or harm the other person

What is Family Violence?
Family violence consists of similar behaviours as domestic violence, except it involves abuse from one family member to another e.g. grandparents, grandchildren, aunties, uncles, nieces, nephews, siblings etc. The groups considered to be ‘family’ in family violence can be quite broad depending on your cultural background e.g. extended kinship networks in Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander communities and some communities of Non-English Speaking Background.

People who use violence and abuse in relationships often do so to try to control the other person or to have power over them. A common tactic used in abusive relationships is to make the other person feel bad about themselves by calling that person names and putting them down. The abuser might say things like “You’re stupid”, or “You look fat when you wear that skirt”, or “Don’t wear those clothes, you look like a slut”. This often results in that person losing some of their self-esteem and starting to feel as though they deserve the abuse and that they are unable to live their life without the abuser. Abusers might say things like “You’re nothing without me” or “You’re lucky that I haven’t left you, no one else could put up with you”.

People who use violence and abuse in their relationships will also often try to make the other person feel scared of them. They may make threats about how they will hurt that person and at times they can become really angry and start hitting, slapping, punching, kicking, pushing or throwing things. Often when the fight is over the abuser will say that they are really sorry for what they have done or they may blame the other person for what happened. They might say things like “I’m so sorry, I promise it will never happen again” or “It’s your fault you know, I wouldn’t have had to hit you if you had done what I told you to do”.

In some relationships the abuser wants to control everything that the other person is doing. This may seem romantic in the beginning but can develop into a relationship that is based around control and jealousy rather than trust and respect. Some examples of this can be constant phone calls or text messages to check up on what that person is doing and constantly doing things together rather than going out with separately with friends. This tactic is aimed at isolating the other person. Once someone is isolated from family and friends, it is more difficult to end a relationship, even if it is an abusive one.

Another form of abuse is sexual abuse. Often in abusive relationships the abuser wants to control this aspect of the relationship as well. They may force sexual contact when the other person has said no or they may keep pressuring the other person to have sex until that person eventually gives in. Often a person will give in because they know that the pressuring won’t stop until they do or because the other person has become angry or has refused to talk to them because they have said no. This is not consensual sex and it is not OK. For more information about sexual abuse and rape click here.

What if there is domestic or family violence at my house?
If there is domestic or family violence at your house you may be feeling many mixed emotions. At times you might have felt scared, embarrassed, confused, angry, hurt, upset and sad. These feelings are really normal and are natural reactions to what has been happening.

At times you may have felt that you have done something to start the fight in your house or that you could have done something to prevent it from happening. You are not responsible for the violence and you are not to blame. Each person can only be responsible for his or her own behaviour and no one can change someone else’s behaviour. The only person who is responsible for the violence is the abuser. Being angry or drunk is not an excuse for being violent.

You may be feeling ashamed about what is happening at your house and feel weird about talking to someone about it. Domestic or family or family violence is often kept a secret and not talked about so that it can feel like you are the only family that lives like this. Domestic or family violence is unfortunately quite common and it is very likely that there would be at least two other people in your class who are experiencing violence at home too. Domestic or family violence happens in all sorts of homes whether they are rich or poor, big or small families, aboriginal, white or non-English speaking.

You may feel angry with your dad for being violent, or your mum for putting up with it. You may also feel angry with other people for not helping or understanding you. You may feel angry because you can’t control what is happening and because it doesn’t stop. You may wish that you could have a ‘normal’ dad and mum like other kids. You have a right to feel angry about what is happening at your house. Domestic or family violence is not OK and it is against the law. Being angry does not mean that you need to be violent. There are many ways of expressing your anger that are not harmful to yourself or others. Lots of people who grew up in a home where there was violence choose not to be violent as young people and as adults.

It can be really helpful to talk to someone about the violence. When deciding who you will tell, choose someone that you feel safe with and who you think will listen to you and believe you. This person might be a social worker, a school counsellor, a teacher or an adult that you trust. Many people find that when they do start to talk about what is happening, things don’t seem so overwhelming and they start to feel better about themselves. Talking to someone can help you feel that you are not alone and that the violence is not your fault. To find out more about Where to Go For Help click here. If you would like to talk to someone over the phone Kids Helpline is a free telephone counselling service for children and young people. You can speak to a counsellor at any time of the day or night and everything that you say is confidential. To speak with someone at Kids Helpline call this number - Ph: 1800 55 1800 or visit the website www.kidshelp.com.au

To read stories about other young people who have experienced domestic violence click here.


Warning Signs Quiz:
Take this quiz to help you work out if you are in an abusive relationship

Do you feel nervous around him or her?
Do you have to be careful to control your behaviour to avoid his or her anger?
Do you feel pressured by him or her when it comes to sex?
Are you scared of disagreeing with him or her?
Does he or she criticise you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
Is he or she always checking up or questioning you about what you do without him or her?
Does he or she repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing other guys or girls?
Does he or she tell you that if you changed he or she wouldn’t abuse you?
Does his or her jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
Does he or she make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
Has he or she ever scared you with violence or threatening behaviour?
Do you often do things to please him or her, rather than to please yourself?
Does he or she prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
Do you feel that, with him or her, nothing you do is ever good enough?
Does he or she say that he or she will kill or hurt himself or herself if you break up with him or her?
Does he or she make excuses for his or her abusive behaviour by saying its because of alcohol or drugs or because he or she can’t control his temper, or that he or she was ‘just joking'?

(This quiz has been adapted from ‘When Love Hurts: A Guide for Girls on Love, Respect and Abuse in Relationships, The Domestic Violence and Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC), Melbourne, Australia © 1998)

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it is possible that you are in an abusive relationship. You do not deserve this abuse and it is not your fault. You might decide that you would like to talk to a counsellor about what is happening in your relationship. A counsellor will not make you end your relationship but will rather help you to decide what is best for you and support you in your decisions. Click here to find out more about Where to Go For Help. A really good website for young women about relationships is ‘When Love Hurts: a guide for girls on love, respect and abuse in relationships.’ http://dvirc.org.au/whenlove/index.htm

If you think that you may do some of the things listed in the above quiz in your relationship, you are hurting your partner and what you are doing is not OK. It is important that you take responsibility for this behaviour. There are services that can help you to take responsibility for your actions and to stop your behaviour.

Click here for more information about Where to Go For Help.

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What is Domestic Violence?
In every house parents can be happy, funny and relaxed, and at other times these same parents can become upset with each other and disagree or argue. These arguments might look like this…

In houses where there is domestic violence parents argue in a different way. There can be lots of shouting and swearing and sometimes people get hurt or things get broken. In these houses one parent may think that they are better and bigger than the other parent and they try to be the boss of them. When this happens it is usually the man that tries to be the boss and the woman and children that get hurt. A fight in a house where there is domestic violence might look like this.

Some of the things that can happen in a house like this are one person:

Yelling and calling the other person bad names like ‘stupid’, ‘dumb’ or ‘useless’
Not letting the other person go to some places or do the things they want to
Not letting them have enough of the money
Hitting, pushing or slapping them
Throwing things like plates in the kitchen
Making the other person and the kids feel scared about what they will do next

If this sounds a bit like your house you might be feeling confused. You might wonder why someone you care about, like your dad, is hurting someone else you care about, like your mum. You might also be feeling hurt, angry, scared, sad and worried. These feelings are really normal.

Kids who live in homes where there is domestic violence can have bad dreams and find it hard to concentrate at school. They may also find it hard to get along with other kids and get into trouble when they are at school.

Is it my Fault?
Lots of kids also think that some of the fights are their fault. They might think that they do some bad things that make the fights start. Kids never cause domestic violence, and they should never be blamed for it. When one parent does something to hurt someone else in the family, it is their responsibility- no one else is to blame. What can I do?

If there is domestic or family violence at your house you might feel worried about what will happen if you tell someone. Talking about the fights that happen at your house can help you to feel better. You might want to talk to your teacher, your auntie, your school counsellor or someone that you trust. These people can help you to be safe and happy.

Some of the things that you can do to feel better are:

Draw pictures about how you feel
Do something that makes you feel happy like: swinging on a swing, reading a book, cuddling your teddy, playing with a friend
Get rid of your angry feelings by running, jumping, kicking a ball or playing sport
Talk to someone you trust about your worries
When fights start, try to keep yourself safe by going to somewhere where you won’t get hurt, like your bedroom.

If you would like to talk to someone about what is happening at your house you can ring Kids Helpline on this phone number - Ph: 1800 55 1800. You can ring this number at any time of the day or night and it does not cost any money. When you call this number you will be able to talk to a counsellor. A counsellor is someone who will listen to you and help you with any problems that you have. You can also visit the website www.kidshelp.com.au.

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How do I Develop a Positive Relationship with a Child who has Witnessed Domestic Violence?
Children who have left the abusive situation need to feel safe and secure in order for them to begin to cope with the trauma of witnessing violence and to heal from its effects. Creating a safe and comfortable environment where the child feels as though they have control over their lives is really important. This process can be difficult when children are having ongoing contact with an abusive parent.
It is important to remember that even though these children have been abused they may have conflicting feelings towards the abusive parent and non-abusive parent. They may still feel very attached to the abusive parent who is often the father and experience feelings of grief and loss about leaving him and the family home. They may feel a lot of love towards the abusive parent, despite the abuse that has been inflicted upon them and want desperately for that love and approval to be returned. They may also be feeling very angry, confused, hurt and upset.

Likewise children may have very conflicting feelings towards the non-abusive parent who is often the mother. Some children may be very protective towards their mother, whilst other children may blame their mother for allowing them to stay in an abusive situation or for being taken away from the family home. They may also misdirect their feelings of anger about their father and mother and take these out on their carer.

Children from violent homes may have also seen their father disrespect their mother on a number of occasions and assume that this is how women are to be treated. This can create many difficulties for women carers when they attempt to discipline their child, as their child will often not respond.

Often children who have lived with domestic violence will be used to fearing the consequences of misbehaviour. Sometimes parents or carers will feel as though they need to resort to using this tactic, as their child does not seem to be responding to any other methods that they have tried. However, using this tactic will not help a child to feel safe and will only serve to continue to create an environment of fear within the home, which prevents children from developing socially and emotionally.


How Do I Help the Children in my Care to Overcome the Effects of Domestic or Family Violence?
As a parent or carer you can help your child overcome the effects of violence by:

Letting the child talk about their experiences and feelings. Kids may feel scared, angry or confused. We need to accept these emotions as normal reactions and allow them to talk about their feelings.
Letting the child know that they were not responsible for the abuse. Explain to each child that the responsibility clearly rests with the abusive person.
Building up each child’s self-esteem by noticing the things they are good at and the good things that they do. Encourage each child and try to focus on positives.
Trying to be understanding of the behaviour that you may not like. Underneath the behaviour may be feelings of hurt, anger or confusion.
Helping each child to learn positive ways of dealing with anger.
Helping each child to feel safe.

Are Children who Witness Domestic Violence likely to turn out like their Abusive Father?
Many parents or carers may notice the children in their care who are from violent homes using abuse or violence in order to get their own way or as a way of expressing their anger and frustration. They may abuse younger children or pets within the home, children at school, as well as parents or carers. You may notice that they have very poor anger management skills and poor ways of relating to other people. Many parents or carers will wonder if this is a genetic trait that has been passed down to the child from the father.

Whilst children are born with easier or more difficult temperaments, the majority of their behaviour is dependent on the environment around them, including their home, school, friends and relatives. This means that the reason why these children act like their father is usually because they have witnessed him getting his needs met through being moody, raising his voice, swearing and by being aggressive and violent. They have learnt that using violence is a legitimate way of solving problems and getting your own way. This may be reinforced when parents give in to their child’s misbehaviour by giving them something to keep quiet or by only paying attention when they are misbehaving.

Many children who have witnessed domestic violence and display aggressive behaviour will often also have the same fear that they will turn out like their father. They may have noticed similarities in their behaviour and their father’s, or they may have been told that they are just like their father. It is important to let children and young people know that they are individual people, unlike anyone else, and that they always have a choice in how they behave. It is helpful to encourage them to use non-aggressive ways of behaving.

How do I Respond to the Misbehaviour?